It's still not a choice

This morning I received an email I had hoped would never come. The worst case scenario laid out in writing.
We have known for a while a little more about Patrick then we first disclosed. He has cerebral palsy and he might have epilepsy or a seizure disorder. When the mission team visited several months ago he was a happy, smiling energetic baby boy. He did have delays because of his high tone but he was happy.
About six weeks ago we learned he had been hospitalized for a seizure due to a high fever. We have been waiting to get word about his condition. Because of his seizure it has increased his muscle tightness.  There may be brain damage.

As a mother who has experienced pregnancy loss, I can tell you this feels like several things. One being worried the orphanage will deem him not adoptable and will figure no one in their right mind would want this child. I can only liken it to feeling a huge loss all over again. A loss not of being able to bring him home, but knowing he would be left to suffer and eventually die.

Secondly, this feels like being pregnant and told your child will have serious issues. He may not live independently, he may die young. Some might even rationalize we have a choice. A choice to not impact our family, a choice to do hard, messy things. A choice to leave him.

We won't do it. We won't leave OUR CHILD to die. For now we will wait for a medical expedite on his file, have the appropriate specialists review the information, and proceed as fast as the system will allow to bring him home.

I pray we get to him in time.

Please pray for better care for him while we wait, please pray for him not to have any more seizures, and pray for our family as we begin a new journey. This one may not be covered in rainbows but it's what we are called to. I know most will not understand and it's okay if they don't. We only have to answer to God, and we have said "send me."

We are neither amazing nor courageous. We simply are incredibly messed up sinners being equipped for what we need when we need it.

Pray for our son.